Patience Prevails

CALIFORNIA SAN DIEGO!!!!!!!!

wow wow wow. i am elated. i am excited. i am walking on air!!! i leave november 17th i will be speaking english and i will be seeing my best friend sister tawny christensen much sooner than i expected!!! thank you all for your support and love!

steps

For a long time I have had an idea rolling around in my head..... Originality.
Which reminded me of a period in my life when that was all that mattered to me. Somehow in that phase of self discovery, what I discovered was not what I wanted to be, but what I DIDN'T want to be. Paradoxically the two often lead to the same result, like two sides of a coin. In the beginning, the results tended to be strange in certain categories such as clothing and wild behaviors. However, gradually my soul expanded and grew within me until it reached my skin, my eyes, my smile and my mind. Finally, I was as Goldilocks in a stage of "just right"-ness. But I've now discovered that this expansion continues as my spirit stretches and grows to where I see beyond myself and exchange with my environment and others within it. I am thoroughly enjoying this next step of life and becoming who I am. I see clearly how it fits in with the Plan of Salvation as we are here to grow and to become until we may eventually be sources and wielder's of light.

time

So I've had some complaints about what a terrible blogger i have been, truth be known. i am! wow. blogging should be a release..an escape? for some reason it has stressed me out. I didn't have the strength, the courage, to fill this empty white space with anything meaningful. but. it doesn't matter right? "it is what it is, and whatever is, is right" I've been saying that a bunch lately (thanks peg :)..) and its true. what a gift perspective is. its a handy dandy tool when dealing with impatience as I've learned in the past 6 weeks. for, "faith in God, includes faith in his timing". i find that i complain about this or that or mere seconds in eternal time when my dear sweet Father in Heaven has my life laid out meticulously on his omniscient stop watch shaking his head, smiling, as i stomp my feet below. Therefore, I strive to take the time to step back, clinging to that all too precious perspective that I am oh so blessed with, and breathe...

Now. tender mercies. (TM's as my dearest hermana Christensen would call them). In grace and love my Father has led my life path straight through a patch of tender mercies! blooming all around to show their smiling face, encouraging me to join. I am grateful, what a boost they are, if life was like jamba juice (bear with me on this metaphor..ha) then i would get a boost of tender mercies. they certainly are a powerful source of hope, light, humbling encouragement and love.

"I'll take the explosion over this slow ticking compulsion to shed some light on this emotion" - interpret as you will. but for me. this debate has been waging in my mind.

see as I am seen, and know as I am known

its comforting to know, that my father in heaven knows me. he knows the desires, contents, and reflections of my heart and soul. even at those times when the world has put a masked and deformed depiction of me on a pedestal for all to see. I can be comforted knowing that He knows me as I am, and that's all that really matters.
Therefore, i cannot wait for the day when all things will be restored to their rightful place, where i will see as i am seen, and know as i am known.

"They who dwell in his presence are the church of the Firstborn; and they see as they are seen, and know as they are known, having received of his fulness and of his grace; And he makes them equal in power, and in might, and in dominion." -D&C 76:94-95

No wonder our perception of beauty is distorted, thanks DOVE :)

serenity prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Not only has my Father in Heaven given me these steps, bridges, and obstacles on this path of life, but he has graciously given them to me in the right times, places, and sequence. Yet i am not a passive traveler, my role is to learn and grow from each and every step. And when i learn to turn and lean on Him, that is when i find that he will guide me in taking the best route, so that i may gain every possible blessing and piece of knowledge from my journey.
Here is my earnest prayer of serenity now, amidst my confusion and doubt, i send it to the courts above, with a sigh of faith acknowledging that, "whatever is, is right."

tell me

I keep wondering how i will look back on this. . . with regret? with warm memories? with relief? with frustration? or will i just sigh and think, what a silly girl i was. all i know is that no matter what i tell myself, or how desperately i wish things were different, this is me. this is now. and these moments now are making the me of tomorrow. the me who will be able to see clearly, to look back and hold these moments up to the light, see them for what they really are. I wish both "me"'s could meet. What a glorious encounter that would be. Would i tell me that im being foolish? would i comfortingly urge me to hang in there, knowing what lies ahead? Or would i just look into my life-stained eyes and realize.. that i already know.

sights for sore eyes

in the past few days i have literally been an eye witness to these three occurrences:

1. A boy walking down the sidewalk holding a leash,which was attached to a small HORSE. haha whose to say a boy can't take his horse for a walk? not me. im sure he was happy as can be, whistling a happy tune. so i just chuckled and went on my way.

2. I was driving with Lauren and we see an individual up ahead on the sidewalk. This person too, was taking some sort of creature on a walk. This one happened to be a small pipsqueak of a dog. Well as our eyes traveled up from the rodentish version of a man's best friend (which im sure if we had looked closer we would have seen a green bow or some sort of accessory in its hair)we saw the bottoms of an average looking boot-cut jean covering a hefty but stylish leather boot, no heel but definitely a wedge. Moving on, (this all happened within milliseconds by the way, my eyes don't really travel this slow) we see that the pants end at the hips with a nice tan belt that matched the boots. Next we see about an inch of bare skin. mmm. (at this point the curiosity had been building) above this there was a puffy old-navy-looking vest with a furry hood. However, this seemed to be the only attire adorning the torso of this individual in this cold weather. From the back we see locks of golden hair a little longer than shoulder-length. Now the curiosity/confusion has been continuing to build and as we pass we realize that this under-dressed dog walker was a MAN!!! okaaaay.. it was enough of a sight to make me stop at a green light. in spite of this outright.... run-way-strutting, sissy-dog-walking, fur-vested, bare-skinned wonder. haha we had quite the chuckle

3. I was walking into the LA building when a boy comes out carrying a unicycle. hmm. no biggie. not my particular favorite choice for means of transportation but. . you know. . to each his own. so as i watch i expect him to just hop on and unicycle off into the sunset (unicycling has become a form of extreme sport by the way). BUT. he didn't. the poor thing couldn't even mount the one-wheeled-wonder. i certainly could do no better. But i guess i had jumped to conclusions when i figured that since he had brought that ride-able wheel to school that he was able to use it.. poor thing. i didn't hang around to see if he ever got on. haha BUT. i did see him wheelin' his way around campus a few days later. miracles do happen.

anthro

so my anthropology teacher is a very short bulky guy with a gray beard. He wears those snazzy shirts that you would only see on a archeology dig, safari, or jurassic park. anyway. he was headin down to mexico so he said that his mother would be our substitute. this news was quite the shocker since i thought that him having a mother that was still able to sit at a table and tell a fable about a cradle in a stable.... was quite unfathomable. anywho.. i guess he did. And i am here to tell you that i have never seen a human being with such likeness to a hobbit. tiny, stalky woman.. with glasses and these big ears that stuck out of her short, peter-pan-ish red hair. Wow. so funny. she is a great lady by the way.. who is always wearing covering shoes... possible to hide her BIG HARRY HOBBIT FEET!!! haha :)

once in a blue moon . . .

i haven't posted in a while. Every time i go to do it i second guess myself. Nothing makes me as anxious, uncertain, or overwhelmed like a blank page.
I don't know if you know this about me but i have extreme anxiety. . . its like a heavy wave within my chest, and i find myself giving in instead of the exhausting effort of swimming upstream. But with that wave, so much doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, and shame come tumbling in like infectious parasitic particles of backwash. So i find myself tossed back and forth between a probing sense of rational hope and the numbing dull of anxious uncertainty.

however, I am not alone, and this is when faith, the Spirit, the Atonement, and other principles of the gospel come in to fill in the gaps.

"Calling on the name of the Lord for the Comforter, which shall teach them all things that are expedient for them--

"Praying always that they faint not; and inasmuch as they do this, I will be with them even unto the end

"..inasmuch as they are faithful, lo, I will be with them even unto the end.

"And he who is faithful shall overcome all things. . .

"And you shall be filled with joy and gladness. . .

-D&C 75: 10-21

And this phrase was SO beautiful and significant to me:
"they see as they are seen, and know as they are known"
-D&C 76:94
What a wonderful gift. This is something that i am working on, to know not only the truth around me, but to see and know myself.

On New Years... that remarkable moment when time becomes a portal instead of a mere measurement. I stood under a blue moon. something about this magical occurrence that only greets us every two years fascinated me. I kept thinking of where i was the last time i stood under a blue moon, and where i will be the next time i stand under such a glow? happy blue moon to you, happy blue moon to all of the cosmos minding your own business on your astronomical schedule. happy blue moon Kelsea of old, happy blue moon Kelsea of tomorrow. happy blue moon.